One Year Later...

It's January 31, 2019. One year ago, my favorite character on General Hospital died. And I completely forgot about it.

Today has not shaped up to be the best day for me. I don't feel that great (there's a flu bug going around work.) Half of my co-workers called out and I had a big project planned that I now have to do myself. Plus, I forgot about a conference call I have to listen to right now. (Don't tell anyone, but I'm not paying attention to it at all. I'm writing this instead.) On top of that, this cold weather has really got me down.

Needless to say, when I opened Twitter and saw the tweet from @NathanAndMaxie about today's anniversary, it hit me hard and I was not prepared for the emotions of it. At All.

This was me. No lie.

I watched Nathan die and then I watched his funeral. I'm not going to go into detail about that because if you know me or are a Nathan fan, you know how that went.

It's true. There was DAYS of this.

So, it's been one year. What's different? Well, I can tell you that once Ryan Paevey's last episode aired, I turned off GH completely. I said I would and I did. Quit, cold turkey. Best decision I ever made. I did write one last fanfic just to have a proper ending to Naxie and that was it. I've had people ask if I will write more, but I think I'm done with that for reals. Sometimes, when you love something as long and as hard as I did, going back to it feels Less Than. (If that makes sense.) It just isn't the same. I have a ton of Naxie clips sitting on my computer that I can't bring myself to rewatch. It hurts way too much.

Sidenote: Here's also a little confession too: After all this time, I'm afraid that what I loved about Naxie isn't really there. That it was the camaraderie of being a Naxie fan and being in the moment of a current couple that I loved and not the couple. It keeps me from enjoying them all over again. Well, that and knowing that Nathan frickin'dies.

As for GH, well I watched a couple of clips, mostly from the birth of Nathan's son and a couple of interactions with Nathan's half brother. But by that point, there was a huge arrow pointing the direction the writers were going with Maxie. Not only was I not okay with it, I didn't have any interest in watching it play out.

Nope, nope, nope.

My deepest admiration goes out to ANY Naxie fan that has continued to watch, knowing full well that the writers and show runner are pushing our heroine to a character who is Less Than Nathan in every way possible.

"Peter August" is a terrible character and a terrible match for Maxie Jones. For starters, he played a HUGE part in her husband's death. That should be the only disqualifier right there. If someone did that in real life, would any of us even consider speaking to that person ever again, let alone sex them up? Uh-Uh, no way-no how. And yes, I know it's just a show. But if we all got that upset about a fictional character's death, we're all allowed to have self-righteous anger over the writers choosing a villain for Maxie's next love interest!

And trust me, I AM self-righteously angry about it.

Also, he does nothing for Maxie's growth as a character. He doesn't challenge her, he doesn't make her a better person. Heck, he doesn't even make her a worse person! He makes her boring and bland. So we're all clear here: MAXIE JONES IS NOT A BORING CHARACTER. She's snarky and funny; she's a trouble maker with a good heart; she's the one you want on your side even though you know she's trouble. Hooking a clearly vibrant legacy character to a character who is a soap history rewrite on top of being the most uninteresting character to come along since Sarah Webber is a giant mistake.

If we're being honest? Like 100% honest, pull no punches, I'm just keeping it real honest? The actor is miscast and has no chemistry with his scene partners. Also, his haircut is atrocious in a 90's boy band kind of way. And that's all I'll say about him.

As for NathanWest. I do miss him. I miss the innate goodness of the character and what he brought to the show. I miss seeing Ryan Paevey on a regular basis (even though I am happy that he is doing what he wants and I'm sure we'll see him on the regular again.) I miss the fun, flirtatiousness of Naxie. I miss appointment TV where I was talking to my Naxie Girls every day about Naxie. Heck, I even miss the roller coaster of vague spoilers. (Okay, not really on that last one, haha.)

One year later... I still miss Nathan. Probably always will. I don't think about Nathan or Naxie all the time anymore. But it hurts less... and that, I think, is like losing him all over again.

Fandom is a powerful thing...

In response to a general request from The Series Regulars on Twitter:

Fandom isn't an easy thing sometimes. There's good ones and bad ones. But every once in awhile, there's a gem. For me, it was a fandom for the characters of Nathan and Maxie on General Hospital, or more commonly known as "Naxie."

I've watched General Hospital off and on my whole life. I loved and hated it. I still do. In the spring of 2014, I was watching the show as a casual fan when I discovered the characters of Nathan West and Maxie Jones. I fell in love almost instantly. They had a magic that I personally hadn't seen on soap operas in a long time. After awhile, I went in search of other like minded fans and discovered a welcoming nest of fans who felt the same way at a forum dedicated to the couple. Tentatively, I ventured in with my opinions and started to make friends. It was the best decision I ever made regarding a fandom. 

In time, I grew close to group of women. We jokingly nicknamed ourselves, "The Paevey Pack," after the actor Ryan Paevey who played Nathan. We talked almost every day, we still do. Sure, most of our conversation was about Nathan and Maxie, but other times it was about just normal, every day life. I got to know them and even met a couple of them at a GH event. They all have similar stories to mine about how they came to the fandom. The important thing is that because of our shared love of this couple, we came together as friends. These women lifted me up in my own life. They give me support, confidence, and friendship without question. 

In January of this year, the "Naxie" journey ended when Ryan left General Hospital. For me, it was the best fan experience I could have ever asked for. It remains the only fandom I've ever been involved in where there was no constant infighting or nastiness. Also, the actors, Ryan Paevey and Kirsten Storms, were always kind to their fans. I was able to meet Ryan once in person and spoke to him on the phone in an "interview." They say you shouldn't meet your idols, but meeting him was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. 

"Naxie" gave me something else too. I used to write short stories in my free time. I was too embarrassed to share them with anyone. Because of the women I met through the Naxie fandom, I was able to let go of that embarrassment and share some writing with them. After that, I "interviewed" Ryan Paevey and wrote a piece on him for a fansite. I even took the larger step of completing a novel and submitting it to a publisher for publication. And while it never really went anywhere, the feeling of accomplishment for having done so made it worthwhile. 

I'll be in other fandoms in my life, I'm sure. But none of them will ever compare to the love I have for Naxie, Ryan Paevey, Kirsten Storms, and all of them women I've met because of Naxie. 

Thank You

Soap fans are unique. We are a wholly different breed from other pop culture fans. We get invested in our show because it’s on every day. We see the same characters live their lives out five days a week and they become a part of our life. While we can logically separate the actor from the character, to many of us, they are forever entwined. We are fierce protectors, defenders, and lovers of our favorites and will go to the wall for them on any given day. There’s no other genre like it. So, when something massive happens in the soap world, like the unexpected death of a character, it shakes us to our core.

Last week, we saw the death of Detective Nathan West, all around good guy and romantic hero. It should be simple right? Ryan Paevey wanted to move on and chose not to renew his contract. The writers did what had to be done and wrote an interesting arc leading to the character’s tragic death and opening the door for a heart wrenching story for his leading lady, the luminous Kirsten Storms. But it wasn’t that simple.

While anyone who watched soaps could see the writing on the wall, his death was still a painful surprise. Nathan had survived three previous hospitalizations and there was no reason to think he would really die. Rumors floated around the internet that Ryan was leaving and would be killed off the show. But with no official word from the show or Ryan himself, everything was still a giant question mark over what would happen to Nathan. And on a soap opera, where literally anything could happen, the possibilities were endless.

Nathan could fake his death to protect his wife and child. He could die and be revived by an enemy only to be taken away off screen forever. He could go missing. He could go join the WSB. Anything was possible. Instead, the writers gave us his true death. It was a beautiful moment between Nathan and his wife that fully expressed them and what they meant to each other. But with that beauty there came what felt like an insurmountable wall of pain for Maxie and the fans of Nathan West, Maxie Jones, and the ship called Naxie.

I’m going to get personal now and tell you about myself. I’m a wife and mother. I consider myself a writer, though only as a hobby. I’ve watched GH off and on my whole life. My first GH memory is hazy but the moment I knew I loved the genre was when Robert Scorpio (one of my all time favorite characters) came face to face with Tiffany Hill in the jungle on Cassidine Island. I was 11. My first “ship” on GH was Frisco and Felicia. Later on, I would love Jason and Robin and be torn between Sonny and Brenda and Brenda and Jax. But it was Jason and Elizabeth that woke the real shipper in me. I adored “Liason.” I joined a message board. I reveled in their chemistry and hated the way they were ignored by the writers. But I let them go. I had to or risk getting hurt every time they were teased. I protected my heart. Of course, in love, your heart has a mind of its own. Because suddenly, in 2014 out of nowhere, I fell in love again.

It was an accident because I was barely watching the show. But there was Maxie, a character I liked and an actress that I thought was one of a kind, sharing scenes with a handsome newcomer. He was capable, no Shakespearean actor but this is Daytime TV where there’s a steep learning curve and little time for rehearsals or perfection. He had something though; a spark that made me want to watch him. Ryan Paevey could look at Kirsten Storms like she was the beginning, middle, and end of everything and you felt it; you believed it. I was hooked and in love with Nathan West, Maxie Jones, and their journey.

I searched out like minded people and discovered a welcoming nest of fans who felt the same way. In time, I grew close to a group of women. We jokingly nicknamed ourselves, “The Paevey Pack.” We talked almost every day, we still do. Sure, most our conversation was about Nathan and Maxie but other times it was about everyday life. I got to know them and even met a couple of them at a GH event where we also met Ryan. They all have similar stories to mine about how they came to love Naxie and Nathan West. The important thing though is, because of our shared love of Nathan West and Ryan Paevey, these women lifted me up in my own life. They gave me support, confidence, and friendship without question and I’m forever grateful. Our online friendship was as pure as any other in my daily life.

When rumors began to circulate about Ryan’s imminent departure, we all dealt with it in our own ways. I pulled away from the group and the show, unwilling to go through the heartbreak. But as the end neared, I found myself drawn back to these women wanting to share one last experience with our favorite characters. We knew what was coming and we prayed, hoped, and bargained for a different outcome. None of us wanted to see something that was a central part of our lives go away. I told them I couldn’t watch my favorite character die onscreen. It was too final, too painful. In the end, I watched because I had to.

I had to because I needed to see the character through to the end. I was there in the beginning and I wanted to be there in the end. I had to because I wanted to share the grief with my friends and help them through theirs. Nathan West had been in our lives for four years and we were losing someone we loved. I had to because of Ryan Paevey. He had put four years of his own life into Nathan and he deserved this send off. I wanted to watch it for him.

In 2013, when he started on GH, he was as new to acting as they come. But something I have learned about Ryan is that he seems to want to learn and to just do better. Over the years, he grew as an actor. Even if he was never given the over the top storylines, his presence on-screen was solid, comforting, and real. He created a character that the show needed (whether any of the writers knew it or acknowledged it.) If you want to see exactly how far he has come, watch his first scenes with Michael Easton and then watch any scene in the last year with Michelle Stafford or Kirsten Storms. The phrase that applies here is “leaps and bounds.”

In my four years as a Ryan Paevey fan, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting him in person once and speaking with him over the phone twice. Each experience was unique and I came away with more admiration for him. He has treated his fans with respect even when they didn’t deserve it, something not every celebrity can do. He has said in the past that he’s a mirror: he gives what he receives. I’m not sure that’s 100% accurate. I’ve seen him treat even the worst of Twitter trolls far better than how they treated him. And in the Soap Twitter world, Ryan Paevey has endured more than his fair share of harsh critiques and outright nastiness. None of which was necessary or deserved.

There is plenty more I could say about Ryan Paevey. He’s funny, intelligent, and insanely talented. Let me just point you to his Instagram. The man has an artist’s eye. His photography is a dream and his jewelry is remarkable. He’s a rare dichotomy of dorky and ultra cool. Come on, he goes to Ren Faires and rides a motorcycle! Mostly what I could say about Ryan Paevey is that because of him, I’ve gained about a dozen friendships. Above all else, I am ever grateful to him for leading me to all of these amazing and wonderful women.

February 9th is the funeral of Nathan West. I’m not prepared to say goodbye to my favorite character. He was, is, and will always be the character I love the most. While I know that Ryan Paevey will move on to big things, I can’t help but mourn for what we are losing. So, once more my friends and I will gather online and watch the show together on Friday. We will cry and grieve and when it is over, we will cry and grieve some more. But know that we are so fortunate to have had these last four years with this character, this actor, and with each other. It was a precious gift and I am thankful to Ryan for giving it to us all.